…If at First You Don’t Succeed…

There are things in life that should be done for yourself. To accept life’s pleasantries is to also accept the failures and the remorse that come with it. You can’t go on with your life thinking that everything is going to be all black or all white because quite frankly, life isn’t like that. You need to seize the day and you need to accept what is, but with the same token, aspire to be at your best. Life seems to me like one whole blur of events; life is like a bicycle, you pass each thing by as it comes in your life.  With every moment that passes, you can look back at it and say “I did that”. No matter what, there will be mountains, there will be times you want to pedal slower and the resistance will increase, but the point is to keep going. Enjoy the scenery, but keep walking and moving with life. Stop where you see fit, but learn from every moment you take in and experience it with both eyes open.

Sometimes you want to stop for long periods of time. You find yourself in the darkest alleyways, tunnels that seem so endless, a bottomless pit. You want to keep pedaling, you want to keep working hard. You close your eyes hoping that if you focus all your energy on pedaling faster, maybe you’ll see the light again. At times, you want to get off that bike, you want to sit in that tunnel and just huddle your legs close to your chest and close up from the world. Close up and give up like there will be no end to it, no end to your failures, no end to the pain, no end to the bad memories, no end to a cycle that repeats itself because you’re lost, lost in thought about your failures, lost in thought about how bad of a person you are or how you could have done things differently. Once you get to that point, it’s hard. Hard to want to get back up, pull your bike back up and start pedaling. Your pleas feel like they’ll never be heard, like you won’t be heard, and you’re slowly draining away, but no one can see it. No one can see behind that placid look, those smiles, that facial expression that stays strong behind a mask that wants to scream “I’m in so much pain, I don’t want to keep going, I don’t want to try anymore”.

I want to go back to those sunny skies, I want to live, live for myself instead of sacrificing and living for others. I want to breathe again, see that light and the colors of the trees and enjoy a moment of bliss. And so I’m searching, searching to cleanse myself, to let that light shine on in, I cry. Cry with a heavy chest, it becomes hard to swallow, and breathing slows; the ache I once called my heart is just a solid mass of nothingness. I will get back up, I’m going to try again and muster up strength to get to that state where I can say “I want to try again”.

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