Stage 1: Falling Apart

It’s been a while since I’ve written and a lot of things have transpired. Perhaps I should’ve written more while the events occurred, I’m not sure, but it is what it is.

I was hoping that this year would be an amazing adventure, but somehow throughout these last six months, I’ve been filled with grief, anxiety, pain, and well, several life lessons to say the least. Since January, I met someone that I fell for. Someone that I looked up to and someone who I thought understood me. Someone I thought maybe would save me from the endless sadness and the pits I’ve fallen into. He was a really positive person who made me feel good about myself as if I was someone who was worth something. For a long time, I didn’t think I was worth much, but the way he adored me made me feel that there was finally someone that wouldn’t think as poorly about myself as I do. He treated me well for some time, and perhaps due to my belief that I didn’t deserve to be treated well, i wanted him to find someone that was more amazing than me. It caused him to be hurt because of my own insecurities and it led to his own insecurities.

Several months later, those feelings of being understood, the feeling that I could be worth something to someone, the feeling of being loved, faded. I soon was rudely awakened back to my ‘normalcy’- that I was in fact, no one, that I fooled myself again and here it was, my world crashing back down on me. For four of the 6 months we were together, I thought to myself  how someone that I thought would be my savior just became the person to rip my heart out and incinerate it into ashes. For four months, he had stopped the loving gestures. Words that were once out of love telling me how much he adored me became remote and distant. We became worse than strangers. I tried to seek the love and the attention I once had from him, I wanted it back, but it was too late. The thoughts and the memories of being loved were no longer. The memories were horrible. He blamed me for all the fights and I took responsibility for the actions of our behavior like carrying a heavy boulder on my back. Through this, I would still tel him how much I care about him, but the words he said grew more harsh over time… That he did not want to see a future with me, marry me, or grow old with me.

It didn’t stop there, my grandfather passed away shortly after and I needed help, but throughout that time, we fought. He could not understand that through my anger I was suffering even though I told him I was suffering. But it’s true, he was suffering too, yet selfishly, with the things happening in my life, I was hoping that he would understand that it wasn’t just in our relationship I was having difficulty. He blamed me for all the fights and when we broke up, instead of telling me he wants to work things out, he would angrily come over my house and scream at me. These last few months I’ve not felt loved once by his words or actions and yet stupidly, I couldn’t get over him. I wanted him back, I longed for the words that were motivating again. Instead when my grandfather passed away, a bouquet for condolences accompanied a card for my family telling them he was sorry for our loss, followed by an additional card he wrote to break up with me. The week after, again, we fought. We broke up that week, or shall I say, the day after i found out my grandfather passed. The week after, I went to the ER because my mosquito bites turned into a hypersensitive reaction that spread remotely away from the site to my torso. The week after, I couldn’t tell if my vertigo was coming back or it was the emotional stress I was dealing with, but I felt like I couldn’t get out of bed and I was incredibly dizzy, to say the least. Finally, this week i pleaded him that we can rebuild and plan to take a small trip together that I’ve been wanting for six months, and we fought. Instead he bought a ticket to LA to spend with his friends for the only week he had off that I was looking forward to since we first started dating.

 

..Which brings me to now…

 

Part of me was angry and I felt betrayed and I blamed him for his actions, but really it was my own fault. He said it was my fault he booked it because I wouldn’t stop fighting with him. I didn’t agree on that because I do feel it takes two people to argue and not understand each other. I agreed it was my fault because it was my fault I let this run for as long as I did. I let him do the things he did because I continued this relationship. Am I mad at him? I’m more upset with myself and disappointed with myself. At first I was angry he left for LA, but it was what I needed. I was going to book a flight to Asia just to get away from all the mayhem, but instead my hiking trip to Taipei would have been filled with floods and rainy weather. After I calmed down, I realized that him leaving was a blessing. I didn’t have to get away from him because he left on his own and in this time, I will have time to recover. I’m not going to run away, I am going to ground myself and stay here and I’m going to face my feelings and this pain until I recover.

 

I am filled with pain, definitely a lot of sorrow. I struggled with working the last few weeks and I stared at my computer, unable to make sense of anything at work. I felt like an empty container with a blank mind. This is where I am right now, Stage 1. I’m dealing with grief and mourning and feeling all the pain. I know that if I see him again and talk to him again, I am just going to feel more pain, hear more words of discouragement, and hurt myself. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I want to feel better. I’m sorry for being so selfish. Maybe everything was my fault in the end, but that doesn’t mean I can’t stop incurring any further damage.

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